September 8, 2010

Stages of grief

This is my log on the stages of grief I went through yesterday. I normally tend to see the page on stages of grief when I am really upset. Externally I try to remain calm, but at times it is hard to hide all emotions. Normally each one of us tends to pass through these phases beginning with

1: Denial.

I received a call from my sister at about 6 in the morning giving me the saddest news I heard this year. At first I thought I was strong but at night I realized it was basically denial. I was resisting the feeling of sadness by mentally saying everything is fine, I have to be strong, I have to continue as if everything is normal and I should go ahead with my University registration (I had taken an appointment the previous day for paying the fees). I couldn't concentrate much but once I paid my fees I ran for the French lessons at INRIA. The teacher had arrived and the lesson was over like a dream. I couldn't remember much but I realize I answered most of the questions. It was fine till the end of the lesson when I decided to go for the blood donation at INRIA. The form needed to be filled in French and I asked them if I could take my friends help but they said no. I got upset, and I brought my friend and requested them but they said no! This triggered my next stage

2: Anger.

I closed my office door and I was upset. It was a combination of anger, helplessness, and irritation to the drizzle outside. I went to the library and issued a book and I got upset because the first few pages were coming out when the librarian gave me the book. I brought to her notice but she said it was fine. I didn't know how to react but starting mumbling when I got out of the library. I felt like pulling my hair while reading the book as I could not concentrate. This is when one of my lab-mate saw me; I guess she realized something was wrong and she asked if I was okay. I said yes and decided to browse some photos I had taken last week.

3: Bargaining.

Browsing the photos I wished if my parents could be with me. I wished they could travel with me. I felt home sick and felt like being with my uncle, my cousins, and my friends. I wished I could have stayed a few more days in Bangalore during my last trip! The very thought of visits to Bangalore not being the same triggered by my next stage.

4: Depression.

I felt helpless and wanted to be alone. I couldn't read the book I had taken and the photos takes seemed awful. The colors in the photos because of the rains frustrated me. I took some hot water but even that felt odd. I wanted to take sugar, but couldn't. I felt hungry as I had not taken lunch. However, the very sight of food reminded me of the words "Hotte Paksha" (Group of Food Lovers). The echoes in my mind and the silence that followed was deafening. Even my lab-mates were quiet in their respective rooms. At times every second felt like a day and at times minutes felt like a second. I just couldn't concentrate on anything and I felt like doing nothing. Everything felt useless, and I felt helpless. I then called by mother.

5: Acceptance.

I called up my mother and talked to her for about 20 minutes. The word "Hotte Paksha" came many times but then I started thinking about cousins. I chatted with a friend of mine at India. My hands were loosing sync with my brain and I do not remember what I typed. But then, after some time, I could get hold of my thoughts before they were typed. I then had the courage to talk somewhat patiently with my father who was the most affected by this. I couldn't talk with my cousins and I didn't have the courage, I talked to them in a few days. I chatted with my cousin in US, and talking with him changed everything. He appeared calm as ever. He had been through what my cousins were undergoing. I then realized I had to move on, we all have to move on. Such things happen and are not in our control. It was not like the feeling I had in the morning; this time I was not trying to run away. I was getting a hint of how heavy it is on the heart to actually move on. I still feel helpless but then I know I am helpless to these kind of things. I cannot change what has happened, but I still have some control over what happens next....

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